I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
