I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
