I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
