New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
