I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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