All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hippo gnu deer
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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