remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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