I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
