Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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