I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
