if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
