Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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