tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
