Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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