I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
