I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
40s are totally the cure
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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