My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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