your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
