They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
