Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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