I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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