Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
