i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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