i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We are all done wearing pants today
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
