Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
