If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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