in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
