your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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