I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
