I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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