My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
