You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
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I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
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I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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