Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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