I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
