god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
