ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
