Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.