I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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