the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Someone shattered a urinal.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Randomize
