I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
