he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just made my gag reflex go away.
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Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
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Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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