My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
