I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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