Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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