hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
