I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
