I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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