I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
