"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
