so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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