i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
