just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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