I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he was CRYING into my vagina
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
