I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
they need to just BURY HIM!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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