Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Randomize
