There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
