I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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