Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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