Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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